Carrying Cullen

A Journey of Life, Love, and Daily Blessings with Our Baby Boy

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Like the Tide of the Ocean

It's hard to explain my emotions on a daily basis, but I have quickly learned that grieving the loss of your baby or child, or anyone for that matter, is like the tide of the ocean.  It rises and it falls... it's high and it's low... it comes and it goes...  

You feel great and then after a little while, you come crashing down because your heart aches so much.  You keep your head held high remembering the time you had to spend with them, yet it hangs low because you're devastated they're no longer here in this life.  Your days filled with great joy are then washed away by days filled with sadness that seems to creep in...  You take two steps forward and three steps back.  It ebbs and it flows...  It's a cycle, it's a process, and it's the reality of my life and unfortunately so many others who have lost. 

For the first few months I handled things with good strength considering the situation, enhanced and lifted up by prayer and you would think that would only continue to improve.  The truth is, sitting here today I feel I have taken a few steps in the opposite direction and struggle to get through my days a little more without tearing up or completely breaking down and crying, getting set off or easily frustrated by someone or the smallest of situations, and some days just wanting to go back to bed.  Some would call this depression.  Perhaps, it is.  However, I call it grieving, going through the motions and working through the hardest, most traumatic thing I have ever had to experience.  My heart, is broken... and it will take time to heal.  Something is missing, and I truly feel lost some days like I'm just wandering around on this Earth without a purpose. 

Lately, with Easter quickly approaching this weekend, Cullen has been on my mind non-stop (not that he isn't usually).  Seeing the posts of mothers and children making their Easter eggs, upcoming Easter Egg hunts for the kids, thinking of all the little babies and kids in their Easter outfits come Sunday morning... is overwhelming to say the least.  As much as it makes me smile and brings me joy to think about and see these families enjoying their little ones on Easter, it breaks my heart because my little baby boy will not be here.  I actually could've broken down standing in the aisle at Wal-Mart with our pastor's wife looking at a memorial piece to put on his grave, instead of finding a cute outfit for him to wear to church.  I picked one up, put it back and found myself walking away saying, "I need to do this with Joe..." because it was so hard I thought I would crumble to my knees.


But at the end of the day, I think of John 3:16, "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."  He loves us so much that He sent His only Son to die on the cross for us...  Even through the grief and pain I feel, it's only a fraction of the pain Jesus felt on the cross that day.  If God could give up His Son and if He felt that much pain, I can get through this.  I will continue to get through this with His help, because He loves me.  And I can find comfort in knowing that Cullen is with Him on this very special Easter weekend, and every day until I see him again. 

As far as my purpose, I remind myself that I still have a purpose as his mommy, so does Joe as his daddy, and all the rest...  I'm not the only one experiencing his loss either, and I know we are all getting through it together, in our own ways.  I know I will see better days and in time things will get easier.  Eventually the feeling of those ups and downs, like the tide of the ocean, will become less and the sea of my emotions will calm.  The heart ache may never fully go away, but I am confident it will ease.

Hold on to your loved ones tight, count your blessings and praise the Lord each day, and may you have a beautiful and very Happy Easter!  Hallelujah, Christ is Risen!

Easter Version of Hallelujah


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